If They Made Toasters 
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting.  IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway.  Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough 
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them.  Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless 
would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their
toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, and 5 years
earlier, but would only toast bread sold by Apple.

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.  Successive slices 
would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread
for you.

If Tandy made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about 
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the 
Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension 
was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was 
just blowing smoke.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? 

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in 
toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, could be conveniently attached 
to your belt.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world and would toast 64,000 thousand
pieces of bread at the same time.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. 
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.  
Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, 
and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified 
government documents.  The X-Files would have an episode about it.
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