Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar
and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root
canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family
in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
"men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask
the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -- That
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A Scottish farmer was having problems with his sheep. Seems they weren't
eating, and this was affecting the quality of their wool. He couldn't figure out
what was the matter so he decided to follow their daily wandering through the
fields and moors. The flock wandered, and after a few hours reached the best
pasture on the farmer's land, next to Dugal McLeod's fence. Staying out of site
so as not to spook the sheep the farmer fell asleep, but was soon awakened but
the angry bleating of a sheep and a stampede away from the great grass. Peeking
around a bush the farmer finally knew what the problem was, and firing his
shotgun into the air yelled the now famous words: "Hey Hey McLeod, GET OFF OF MY
EWE!"
